Friday, November 18, 2011

Perspective

It is easy to lose sight of the bigger picture.  These past two months have brought me to a place where I am aware that I am in desperate need of perspective.  It isn't that there has been tons of big things- it is everything, big and little, that wears me down little by little.  I feel like I'm falling.  The falling isn't the bad part, it is natural given who I am- frail, weak and needy.  The danger is if I fall back onto my own strength or try to figure it out on my own.  I need to fall back into the arms of someone who can provide the perspective I need.

Let me see... maybe a short rehash will help me put things into the right places.  My apologizes if it seems like "stream of consciousness" writing.  

-After a crazy week of preparations and late nights
-my husband takes a long trip with hopes of deciding where we will go after language study, which is cut sort by
-a daughter who falls ill and is hospitalized for 4 days which leads to 
-a serious lack of sleep and weariness of body which leads to 
-a state of mind that realizes how frail I am and how everything is so intricately balanced in my life.
-Termites, heat, disobedient children, knowing that it is a special holiday season back home that I'm missing, getting behind on correspondence, not getting my hours in of study, struggling to say very basic things in Tagalog that I learned a least a year ago- each incident feels like it carries more weight than it actually does.
-After this I unwittingly get myself involved in a couple of big cultural no-no's and that gets me to wondering about 
-what the grander purpose is of all of this and throws me back onto 
-What am I doing? Why am I here again? And that reminds me that maybe I'm asking the wrong questions.  Maybe I should be asking...
-Who called me here?  Who made me and knows that I am but dust?  What is He capable of?  Has He ever used failures before?  Is He able to take a tired, worn out, blundering fool who dishonors Him in thought and action and use her for something great?  

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Valerie
We' d maybe need to pray more specifically for you? Right!!
Why not call once in a while?
We miss you!
Love
Mom Easton

Rachaelle said...

Hi Valerie,
My heart goes out to you! Will be praying fervently for the Lord's strength and grace to be poured out on you. Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it. Lovingly, Rachaelle C.

Mimi said...

Good Luck! And never give up on what makes you feel purposeful.

Donna Amis Davis said...

Wow, Valerie, you are very good at putting your situation into words! I can remember those feelings very well. And the cultural blunders. Ouch. That was horrible for me. Love what you said, "What am I doing? Why am I here again? And that reminds me that maybe I'm asking the wrong questions. Maybe I should be asking..
-Who called me here? Who made me and knows that I am but dust? What is He capable of? Has He ever used failures before? Is He able to take a tired, worn out, blundering fool who dishonors Him in thought and action and use her for something great?"
The answer to that last question is a great big resounding, Yes! We're all banking on it.
Thanks for sharing your heart and life.